She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
