I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
