Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
