i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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