I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
