umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
