my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
