Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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