my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
