Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
