If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
