What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
