what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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