I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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