Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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