How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
