do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
