Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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