I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
