Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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