You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
