Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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