I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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