a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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