So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
