ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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