you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
