There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
