You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
