I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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