ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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