I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
