i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
