his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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