She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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