are you still at the devil's house?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My ass is underappreciated
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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