Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
