ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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