my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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