It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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