he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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