Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
COCAINE IS GR8
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
