im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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