I'd wear matching sweaters with you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
