it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
