i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
