i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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