i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
