Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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