Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
