I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
