i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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