Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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