so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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