Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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