Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
