I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
