just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
