Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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